I Could Live With You In Another World

New Kind Of Neighborhood

Why Read The Paper When I Can Tell The Headlines?

Unemployed but thoughtful I've tried to develop a reading schedule for the week. Monday I read as much of a novel as possible - currently Galapagos by Kurt Vonnegut, with a hopeful undertone of visiting the islands next year upon flying to Ecuador to see my childhood friend Taub. On Tuesdays I buy the New York Times in print, which costs $2, because it has the science times and because I absently associate the internet with playtime. Wednesday is magazine day so I buy either the New Yorker or New York Magazine and read about half of it, extracting from them what would best serve me at a party or dinner function with people I dislike or don't know very well. I link Friday to the weekend, when I don't have to read unless I want to, so Thursday is left in sort of a limbo, but I've thought of a way to keep it educational; I'm going to make it the day wherein I read the Bible and the Farmer's Almanac.

Thursday will be the day that inspires me. I will process information so different from that which I can casually understand, and in turn (probably) learn a lot about myself.

I haven't visited KMart or whatever retailer one seeks for these freak books, so in the meantime I watched this YouTube video that my friend Jason sent me. He grew up in Baltimore and turned out pretty okay, and I think it's because people in Baltimore praise skills and make movies in a style that nobody else had previously invented. If anyone can explain the plot of this upcoming film I will kiss them furiously.

Best of LA

Pictures of me [sleeping] from Atiya and Mia.

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5 Short Reads

If time truly is money, then saving time can be financially resourceful, especially in a recession. But a very good use of time, as with money, can be beneficial, and reading is one of the good-est endeavors a sighted person can pursue. When factoring these two common perceptions [the high value of time and the very goodness of reading] the conclusion reached is that reading in short increments is one of the finest possible activities, especially for young paupers.

With consideration to this lopsided pile of syllogisms I have composed a list of 5 great short books. Each book has less than 200 small pages, each averaging about a minute-and-a-half in reading-time. Technically, in the time it took me to sit through Watchmen with Greek subtitles, I could've stayed home, saved 10€ [14 USD] and learned something about life and myself.

EUROPEANA: A BRIEF HISTORY OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY by Patrik Ourednik [translated from the Czech]
Europeana is the shortest book on the short list, despite covering the whole of the twentieth century. Ourednik looks back on recent history with dark, eastern European glasses whose arms are thorny, pricking and stinging the reader's head in sentence-long anecdotes. Ourednik's calm and dispassion make rare, horrific facts all the more disturbing.

OF WALKING ON ICE by Werner Herzog
Herzog in Munich hears that his friend in Paris is dying. Wishing to be by her side, he decides to walk through harsh winter weather to Paris "against her death, knowing that if I walked on foot she would be alive when I got there." He kept a diary of all of his observations, as though a small book was pressed to his stomach while he trudged, and it reads like an epic poem. Herzog basically precedes and perfects Twittering by about 30 years.

SUMMER CROSSING by Truman Capote
Summer Crossing fabulously follows a country clubbing girl and the lower-middle-class boy she emotionally abuses à la Philip Roth - but short! It was the first novel Capote ever attempted but it was never finished so it ends on a boring cliff-hanger.

I REMEMBER by Joe Brainard
Every mini-paragraph of Brainard's memoir starts with, "I remember," which proves to be one of the sweeter verb conjugations in modern English. And sweet the book turns out. Brainard apparently leads a hokey, cheerful existence for a young gay painter in the 1950's. Most of the joy in reading comes from recognizing his memories as your own: "I remember the sound of the ice cream man coming. / I remember once losing my nickel in the grass before he made it to my house. / I remember that life was just as serious then as it is now." Ourednik later wrote Year24 in this same form, covering his adolescence in Czechoslovakia under Communist control. It appears to be very potent and educational but has not yet been translated into English.

GOD BLESS YOU MR. ROSEWATER by Kurt Vonnegut Jr
Excellent display of Vonnegut - ya got your Kilgore Trout, ya got your poo-tee-weet - and it's all done before dinner's ready. Vonnegut's interpretation of money in our society is about enough to make you give yours all away. [I stole this copy from my high school after it had been removed from the curriculum.]

Trying To Take Kitty For Walks

My Belgian Things

When I went to Belgium for the first time, I bought a disposable camera at a shop around the block from a bar my boyfriend-at-the-time was playing music in. It was the only camera in the store, and the paper shell of the camera was detailed like an American flag with a few scattered Statues of Liberty. I took pictures throughout the trip, and on the night that it ran out of exposures, I noticed a message on the bottom of the camera, warning "Develop Film By 12/2006." It was either 2 or 3/2009 at the time.

Atiya told me that for her past birthday (12/2008) she had asked for disposable cameras as gifts; her roommate in Brooklyn bought her the same Freedom Ain't Free disposable camera that I had used in Belgium but loaded with non-expired film.

Today Atiya and I killed an hour while our matching cameras were processed at CVS. When we retrieved our little envelopes from the photo counter, the trained technician asked if one of us had gone through an ex-ray with our camera. I said that I had at least three times, and that the film was already expired, and that I was excited about it.
"Yeah," the woman replied. "One of them came out real funny. As long as you're not mad!"

You Wanna Smoke Crack?

Grand

I'm pretty happy that it's September.

Unpretentiously Luxurious

As I mentioned earlier certain value systems involving luxury and how it should be enjoyed befuddle me. Pet resorts, pedicures, big cars, big televisions, silk, suede, Icelandic wool, espresso machines for the home, marble desks for the office, beef that came all the way from Japan, there is no end to my misunderstanding. This has always been the case, for most shows of extensive wealth reliably inspire in me the sort of amusement a child feels upon watching one puppet hit another puppet on the head. In turn, I was able to join the rest of the world in thinking that solid gold toilets are very silly.Recently my major responsibilities have been taking care of my family's seven pets - no fish, no turtles, five cats and two large dogs. Feeding the dogs often involves cooking ground beef, which conjures a smell I'm not used to, and all of the animals require that I manage their waste. The cats shit in a bin beneath the jungle gym of their big cube cat house on the balcony (entrance through a small door in the window) and the dogs shit in the grass in front of houses. Every few days the cats' bin gets emptied into a garbage bag and the garbage bag is dropped down the garbage shoot near the elevator. Every few hours I trail the dogs and wait for them to shit; I had never cared about flies walking on my food but when I see how quickly three of them will land on a log of fresh dog shit I really start to feel embarrassed. I reach down to pick up dog shit with a biodegradable mini-bag over my hand and the flies disappear. Through the bag I can feel how warm the shit is and think about how warm the inside of the dogs' bodies are. Then I consider how warm human shit must be. Dog bodies are 3 degrees warmer than human bodies, but that temperature difference is difficult to feel with a covered hand. I have never touched human shit because when I need to shit I go into privacy and lounge in an armless, porcelain easy chair. My shit is dropped into a bowl of cold water and then removed from sight through pipes and deposited on Staten Island.

Not all humans have the same shitting experience, but most Americans do. If most Americans had to crouch with their legs spread open every time they needed to shit, they would probably be more agile and have nicer calves. In the scheme of things the "American standard" is actually quite luxurious. For this reason, solid gold toilets seem like a natural improvement in the face of extensive wealth.
Reviews for the solid gold toilet:

"We've never seen anything like this before. When you see it for the first time, it's like the most beautiful thing....the most, most beautiful thing." -Anon

"What I mean is, wouldn't it be better if the toilet was open and each person could shut the door and use it -- could sit down and really feel what it's like?" -Gao Qingyin

"What the hell happens on a $35,000 toilet that makes it so special? While you're sitting on it, does it magically transport you to the Maldives?" -Matt Littman

Best of Showpaper

Today marks the release of the 60th issue of Showpaper, the free, heavenly, every-other-weekly single-sheet of newsprint that lists affordable, all-ages shows on one side and features images by high-and-rising artists on the other. It's gorgeous, impressive, and easy to love. When I reference it, as I do now, my chest heats up as though I'm Showpaper's proud third-grade teacher or long-term cleaning lady - a memorable helper but certainly not the parent. (Actual daddies include Joe Ahearn, Edan Wilbur, and Todd Patrick.)

Over the past 30 months I've held a handful of responsibilities for Showpaper, but none so regularly as horoscope writer. I pitched the horoscopes as a secondary supplement to the "I Saw You" missed connection section, for which I would write short, raunchy things about real musicians and showgoers in txt msg language. The relevance of horoscopes, I reasoned, would come when I'd "predict" a zodiac sign's Lucky Show - a show that appeared within Showpaper's listings - which was lifted from Seventeen Magazine's recommendation of a lucky color to wear during an upcoming month.
Sick-azz layouts by Miss Maggie Matela.
Showpaper is not available online and only modest jpegs of the issues' art are documented in the publication's MySpace. I've decided to take this holiday as an opportunity to post some of my favorite Showpaper covers of Showpapers past, and old horoscopes that I still think are funny.


ISSUE 2
by Ben Jones
















ISSUE 8
by Chris Johanson

















ISSUE 10
Scorpio

For Scorpio, opportunity periods for personal gain occur October 1 – 5, so keep your eyes down. Someone’s bound to have dropped a dimebag.

Most Compatible: with Libra
Lucky Show: Magik Markers @ Death By Audio


ISSUE 11
by Sumi Ink Club (Sarah Rara and Luke Fischbeck aka Lucky Dragons)















ISSUE 12
Leo

While all of your friends are dressing as sexy nurses and sexy devils this Halloween, try a more creative get-up. Tie your ankle to your thigh, string on a camouflage bikini, and voilà: sexy Vietnam Vet.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Lollipop Factory @ Cake Shop

Capricorn

When you’re in the moment you have trouble remembering the 8 New Tantalizing Ways To Make His Toes Curl that you learned from the cover story of October’s Cosmo. It’s O.K. They’re all made up on-the-spot by interns who never score it with anybody.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Pit Er Pat @ Silent Barn


ISSUE 14
Virgo

You, or a woman close to you, are going to have a pregnancy scare. Either way, you should not be too concerned. With the way you kids drink there’s really no way a baby would survive.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Endless Mike And The Beagle Club @ Sealab187

Sagittarius
As Mars passes Saturn and Venus to join Uranus, you contemplate anal sex within your long-term relationship. Most of the rumors about what it does to your body are false so don’t worry too much about taking the brown line. Just make sure you’re doing it for the right reasons, not the Catholic ones.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: The Shrimps @ Vox Pop


ISSUE 15
by David Horvitz










ISSUE 16
Aries

Because your actions are governed by your instincts during this Horoscopic period, you may be prone to eating meat if you are currently a vegetarian, eating cheese if you are a vegan, or eating the genitals of a person you’ve always considered a close friend.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Dean & Britta @ Maxwell's

Gemini

A woman on the street will offer you a psychic reading for $5 (and then offer you tea candles and some clean rocks to take home for another $15). Politely turn it down. You already receive broad, inaccurate advice for free.
Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Zaimph @ Silent Barn

Libra

This month, no means yes.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Hatebreed @ Toad’s Place

Aquarius

You like yourself just the way you are but the New Year is coming. Abstain from cigarettes for the rest of the month, so when it’s 2008, your New Year’s Resolution can be to start smoking.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Bee’s Nest @ Zebulon


ISSUE 18
Gemini

You're romantically involved with half of a set of twins, and the other half is getting pissed off. Time to crack open a Budweiser and start living single, seeing double, and sleeping triple.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: These Are Powers @ Uniondocs


ISSUE 21
by Peter Edwards (Casper Electronics)













ISSUE SxSW #1
by PFFR (Wonder Showzen)















ISSUE 23
Taurus

Something that happened in March will be vastly improved in April. It may be career-related, or the status of a romantic relationship, but it's probably a rash around your groin that will go from raised and red to clean, clear, and under control.

Most Compatible: with Virgo

Lucky Show: Black Pus @ SUNY Purchase

Pisces

Your significant other will be drag you to the music show of a band you consider embarrassing. Just find the bar and nod your head rhythmically because that's what love is. Later, bring her or him to see the Pharmacy.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: The Pharmacy @ Market Hotel


ISSUE 26
Aries

It's time for you to fuck with some gender roles, by which I mean adhere to them. If you're a female, attempt a domesticated act, like a nice apricot shortbread. If you're a male, spend the next week trying to land a threesome. Sometimes we all need to be reminded why we lead an alternative lifestyle.

Most Compatible: with Cancer

Lucky Show: In The Distance: A Light! @ SUNY Purchase

Cancer

You are likely to be shipwrecked/stranded after a plane crash soon, so definitely wane yourself off of being too pampered. Otherwise the absence of 'product' will leave you haggard from withdrawal when the strong, all-American coast guarders come to rescue you.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio

Lucky Show: BunnyBrains @ The Ontological Theater


ISSUE 27
by Emilie Halpern











ISSUE 28
Scorpio

The weather is so nice now that there isn't any reason for you to be getting in internet fights.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Lucky Dragons @ East River Amphitheater

Sagittarius

Your receding hairline is making you self-conscious and you've been thinking about buzzing your scalp. Definitely don't. Heads are lumpy, veiny things that God wants us to keep covered with hair and yalmulkas. The confidence you'd exude by allowing your forehead expand while secretly taking restoration medication is way more attractive. Supplemented by a display of chest hair is also a good look.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Martha Wainwright @ Joe's Pub


ISSUE 30
by Raymond Pettibon

Leo

The only thing worse than having dirty, dreaded hair and bacne and crusted alternative piercings is having dirty, dreaded hair and bacne and crusted alternative piercings while buying UTI medicine. Remember that.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Zs @ Zebulon


ISSUE 31
by Maya Hayuk

Scorpio

Nothing masks ugliness like a pretty sun dress.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Psychothriller @ Death By Audio

Capricorn

You're destined for really great things, so discontinue getting so wasted that you sweet-talk 12-year-old boys or mistakenly urinate in embarrassing places. It's the kind of behavior that resurfaces in a big way when you're big.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Akron/Family @ Castle Clinton


ISSUE 32
Aries

You, or someone close to you, have a mouse problem in your extremely humble abode. If you've decided to lay down traps, use the cartoony metal ones that snap, which in reality break the mouse's neck. If you use the adhesive mouse traps, you'll avoid mouse blood shed, but only because the mouse will be alive for 2+ days, squeaking and writhing about until you feel so terrible that you grease up a pair of rubber
gloves and slide the mouse off of the trap. At which point it will wriggle free and run back under your stove and return to being a problem.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Artanker Convoy @ Death By Audio

Cancer

Riding a mountain bike is great! They're a little clunky and kinda heavy, but they have breaks and traction and all the other things you need to survive. That's why there are never any white mountain bikes attached to the sidewalk.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Artanker Convoy @ Death By Audio

Leo

You live across the street from a Pentecostal Church (which is essentially in an apartment building) and early on Sunday mornings you can hear someone on a megaphone singing, changing the lyrics from, "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands" to "If you love el nino Jesus then you're saved." Get all your weekend drinking done on Friday so you can make Saturday your day of rest.

Most Compatible: with Libra
Lucky Show: Artanker Convoy @ Death By Audio

Scorpio

It can still be TMI even if what you're saying isn't off-color. Like if you recount how many hours you slept when nobody asks. Or you romanticize your hometown and upbringing when nobody asks. Or you announce that you need to urinate when nobody asks. Sometimes any information is too much information.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Artanker Convoy @ Death By Audio

Capricorn

The nicest guy a girl knows is her dad, and a mom is the best lady to come home to. So there's nothing wrong with getting Oedipal.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Artanker Convoy @ Death By Audio


ISSUE 33
Gemini

You've felt nervous in your neighborhood, concerned that it may be dangerous, but never fear. Even if you get shot in the face, modern medicine can still revive you.

Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Terror Cathode Secretion @ Silent Barn

Scorpio

Before they're taken off the market, buy Sparks every time you resort to deli drinks. Soon you'll have to return to the efforts of scoring coke.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Aesop Rock @ Toad's Place

Capricorn

Don't blog unless you're really funny and go on a lot of adventures. If you're taking pictures of your dinner and posting stories about things that made you smile, you're poisoning the blogosphere.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Dirty Projectors @ South Street Seaport


ISSUE 34
Taurus

Don't go on WebMD and try to self-diagnose your minor aches and chafes because it's going to give you anxiety and anxiety causes cancer.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Zeke Healy @ The Errant Garrison

Cancer

Everyone at Welcome To The Johnson's is old and everyone at 151 is foreign and all the art at Gallery Bar is whack and all the drinks at the Macando taste like mud and all the bands that play in the Lower East Side are cheesy and all the people who go to see them are ugly and all of this has finally come to your realization this summer. Head east, young man. Brooklyn welcomes you.

Most Compatible: with Virgo
Lucky Show: Dark Dark Dark @ Zebulon

Sagittarius

Take advantage of 24-hour retailers like Duane Reade and the Apple store that looks like a cube. When China takes over and everything's communist, all of the stores will have to close at the same time.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Trachtenburg Family Slideshow Players @ Bowery Poetry Club


ISSUE 35
Aries

Even though it's meatless jerky, you should eat it as though it's beef/ostrich jerky: not in public.

Most Compatible: with Taurus
Lucky Show: Free Blood @ Market Hotel

Sagittarius

You didn't buy the shirt that read, "I survived the blackout of 2003," that summer so long ago but you wish you had and it haunts you still. The closest you can get to righting this wrong is to buy one of those shirts with Obama giving a 'pound' to Malcolm X; you will still like it in 5 years.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Awesome Color @ Terrace Club


ISSUE 37
Scorpio

Just because it's almost possible to make direct eye-contact when videochatting doesn't mean you should maintain an LDR [Long Distance Relationship]. Videochat cybersex is never as good as actually getting your dick wet.

Most Compatible: with West Indian
Lucky Show: Man Man @ Heirloom Arts Center

Capricorn

You read a 33 1/3 book on a band you have always liked and know a lot about and it was a great disappointment for you; maybe it was poorly written with corny jokes, maybe you didn't learn enough secrets about Stephen Merritt, but either way you swore the whole series off. Problem is, you've gone about those books the wrong way - choose them for the writer, not the subject. Sure you like Unknown Pleasures, but
who the fuck is author Chris Ott [christopherott.com]? Get the 33 1/3 book John Darnielle wrote about Black Sabbath [from the view of an institutionalized 15 year old]; it'll be 99.9% enriching.

Most Compatible: with Polish
Lucky Show: Daniel Carter @ Zebulon


ISSUE 38
by Aurel Schmidt

Aries

It's easy to make new friends but it's hard to make new friends who don't have a boring history of substance abuse that they like to make reference to.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius

Lucky Show: Marnie Stern @ Smog Garage

Cancer

If American Apparel says they're doing an open call for models, they're fucking kidding. Don't show up in knee high socks and a resume with your picture on it. Also, at 25, the only advertising you have a future in will begin, "Help! I've fallen and I can't get up."

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Hercules & Love Affair @ Gibson New York Showroom


ISSUE 39
Aries

You have a popular, American name [Emily, Daniel, Melissa] but unfortunately for you, it's chic in adulthood to have irregular first and last names. Don't try to to jazz yourself up by creating a nickname that sounds like a real, rare name or by using your middle name as an extra three syllables on your first name. Rather than try
to switch teams, simply admit defeat and then do the right thing when you become a parent. Until then, the Lancelots and the Nickodemuses and the Alainas will have everything under control.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Busy Bee @ Danbros Studio

Gemini

Don't use "shat" as the past tense of "shit." It always sounds stupid because "shit" isn't a real verb and doesn't warrant a grammatical change. "Took a shit," will suffice for all of your horror stories.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Extra Life @ Issue Project Room

Capricorn

Make some sort of living will wherein you tell your friends NOT to make a Facebook Group about you if you should unexpectedly die. People always write the trashiest comments on those.

Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Eric Hnatow @ Video

Pisces

Persevere! Just because your band's lead vocalist and songwriter died 10 years ago doesn't mean you can't continue playing shows in Connecticut.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Blind Melon @ Toad's Place


ISSUE 40
Taurus

You, or someone close to you, has begun training for Iron Man 2009. Once a person decides that they will feel no sense of completion until they've biked for 112 miles in a single afternoon and then promptly thrown their bicycle and sprinted another 30 miles, there's really no alternative you can offer. The best you can to do is be supportive and/or avoid yellow swim suits for the three-mile swim in Hawaiian
waters; when sharks confuse the human pelvis with a Twinkie, it sucks for everybody.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Extra Life @ Zebulon

Libra

You love getting hyper but drinking coffee puts blood in your stool. Fuck with some Yerba maté and you'll be totally jittery, just like old times.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Hell's Hills @ Paris London West Nile

Scorpio

Stop Googling your boyfriend/girlfriend's ex! Nothing's new!

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Amanda Diva @ Knitting Factory

Aquarius

Drink more water than dairy and you won't get calcium build-ups, which are essentially a set of fake vampire teeth in your throat/vagina.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Golden Error @ Asterisk


ISSUE 41
Libra

Red Bull DOES contain vitamin b but it's not the kind that blocks anemia and pancreatic cancer. It has the kind that burns holes in your stomach lining and turns your turds chartruese.

Most Compatible: with Sagittarius
Lucky Show: Cale Parks @ Market Hotel

Leo

If you pick up a hitchhiker, don't take it to a motel and fuck it all night long. Otherwise things will get really awkward when you wrongfully accuse it of stealing.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: The Mae Shi @ Silent Barn

Sagittarius

Your Thanksgiving was rough because your family is insane and it really has you down. Confide in a lover or a trusted friend, but don't express your woes in your AIM Away Message; it just leads acquaintances from your high school to make fun of you.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Larkin Grimm @ Housing Works

Capricorn

Your significant other is the best you can possibly do, better than what you probably deserve, so stop trying to appear single on Facebook.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Fred Frith @ Knitting Factory


ISSUE 42
Taurus

Your New Year's Resolution should be to stop taking Xanax and Acid at the same time.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Tyvek @ Market Hotel

Cancer

Your New Year's Resolution should be to go to all of the They're Going To Die Soon concerts in Manhattan. You skipped the Isaac Hayes show over the summer and still haven't forgiven yourself.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Timothy Cushing @ Video

Leo

Someone close to you's New Year's Resolution should be to stop calling you "a little pussy" in front of your friends.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: U.S. Girls @ Death By Audio


ISSUE 45
Aries

You were having weird dreams so you bought a lime green dream catcher and now your whole subconscious portrays you murdering the elderly in their homes which actually look like church of your childhood. Essentially, the Native Americans have cursed you for putting a "fun" spin on their heritage. If you really care about your psyche then toss that shit but definitely keep it up if you often have guests; it sounds awesome.

Most Compatible: with
Lucky Show: Showpaper Film Night @ Monster Island

Taurus

Don't flake out on your friends. When you're in some sort of long term domestic situation in a more rural area of the country, you're going to wish there was somewhere to have brunch and someone to talk about cock with.

Most Compatible: with
Lucky Show: Dan Deacon @ Danbro Brewery Warehouse


ISSUE 46
Aries

The smell of weed is not so strong or lingering that you need to use incense or scented candles. Despite their packaging and convincing commercials, they don't smell like violets or recently-baked apple pie - they smell like chemicals.

Valentine: Capricorn
Lucky Show: Psychothriller @ Video

Virgo

Something about your significant other's BFF makes you totally horny. Fight that urge! Plenty of other disassociated fish that you can cheat with in the sea.

Valentine: Pisces
Lucky Show: Iran @ Death By Audio

Libra

You're pregnant and you're excited to be a young parent. Similarly, you're making the biggest mistake of your life.

Valentine: Gemini
Lucky Show: These Are Powers @ Other Music

Scorpio

Unfortunately, your balance is not very good so you probably shouldn't try to catch tags on bridges. No one wants to see you Saturday Night Fever it.

Valentine: Taurus
Lucky Show: High Places @ New Museum

Sagittarius

Don't invite your drunko roommates out; once one person you're with hits the bouncer, everyone's getting in the cop car.

Valentine: Cancer
Lucky Show: The Paris-Maine Crossing


ISSUE 47
Aries

Your March will come in like a lion. Consider hard alcohol the chair and whip with which to tame it.

Most Compatible: with Taurus
Lucky Show: Blank Dogs @ The Shank

Taurus

Obsessing over something builds expectations and eventually depreciates the value of the thing. Essentially, your jealous girlfriend is making you look bad.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Red Dawn II @ Death By Audio

Gemini

A girl not-super-close to you is in prison and you're wondering if you should write to her. Would she want to hear from you, you wonder, or would it be mortifying? If you think about it, you'll realize that of course she would like a penpal. Plus, she'll be getting letters postmarked from New York City - she'll be the coolest girl on the cell block!

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Hipster Holocaust @ ABC No Rio

Virgo

Candlelight, soft music, carpeting made of bear hide - try fucking next to these things. It really does make it better!

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Jana Hunter @ Market Hotel


ISSUE 48
by Shoboshobo

Aries

You want white shoes but you don't want to look like a geriatric visiting Disney World. Buy them and wear them as your only shoes on a trip through the wilderness. Dirty white shoes look so dope!

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: U.S. Girls @ The Stood

Gemini

Why pluck your eyebrows when you can shave them!

Most Compatible: with Virgo
Lucky Show: Human Host @ Wrench In The Works


Cancer

It's customary to put makeup on your hickeys to cover them up so it's probably for the best if you conceal that black eye, especially when your boyfriend gave you that bruise, too.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Team Robespierre @ The Shank

Capricorn

Being bald with a mustache is cool and gay. Being bald with a beard sends the message that you Could grow scalp hair if you wanted and Choose to be bald; and people hate to be lied to.
Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Knyfe Hyts @ Knitting Factory


ISSUE SXSW #2
Sagittarius

Don't try to scare people with your gun; they'll take it away and hurt you.

Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Jeremy Jay @ Mohawk

Aquarius

On the next Saturday that you want to get up on the bar for some yippie yo kay-raoke, make sure to remove your boots first. Otherwise you're sure to slip on some lemon water and be a Dead-Neck Woman.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Nite Jewel @ Quack's Bakery

Pisces

You play in a band with your friends but everytime you perform you get so nervous that you sweat like a virgin at a prison rodeo. Use it as an excuse to take off your shirt! Fastest way to get fans.

Most Compatible: with Virgo
Lucky Show: Dirty Projectors @ Ms Bea's


ISSUE 49
Cancer

Your significant other's mother's birthday is coming up but you don't know what to get her. Don't settle for a nice hand cream or a silk scarf or a gift certificate to a spa. Instead get her something you'd want for yourself - like a frog-skin coin purse - so she gets a better feel for what kind of colorful kid you really are.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: DJ Dog Dick @ Silent Barn

Scorpio

Peep toe boots are so you!

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Growing @ Monster Island Basement

Capricorn

You want to get back together with your exes but so far they haven't been trying very hard. Text them late at night when you're shitfaced

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Xiu Xiu @ Monkeytown


ISSUE 50
Gemini

"Cold turkey" is a term invented by tobacco companies and nicotine patch distributors and the people who were in the process of developing e-cigarettes as a way of scaring mothers-to-be into thinking that quitting an addiction is hard. In reality, it's the only way to quit smoking.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: Boo And Boo Too @ Death By Audio

Virgo

You wear deodorant so often, slathering it on every day that you skip showering, so when you finally do wash yourself and your armpits are momentarily uncovered, they tingle and burn, as if asking you, "Who am I? Who am I Now? Who am I TO YOU?" Cool it on the deodorant; it's going to give you pit cancer.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: The Brothers Peeesseye @ Paris London West Nile


ISSUE 51
Aries

Not all of your friends are crazy. Plenty are dumb.

Most Compatible: with Taurus
Lucky Show: Quintron @ Market Hotel

Taurus

People actually DO like hearing about your dreams, but only if they're exceptionally violent and if your re-telling is the length of the actual dream [10 - 20 seconds].

Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Despot @ Terminal 5

Gemini

You've only had sex with two woman in the past three years, one of which is your girlfriend and the other with whom you still have contact. However, neither have any pink bumps like you do. There are small pink bumps around the shaft of your penis, not on it, but in the pubic hair area at the base of it. They don't really itch and are about the size of a pimple. There is also a larger bump that resembles a mole in the outer area of your pubic hair. Only, it too is pink. None of these are painful but you would like to find out what is going privately via WikiAnswers. Unfortunately, it'll be a waste of your time. Every response you'll get will be, "See a doctor," and your post may be copied and pasted elsewhere as a joke.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Black Feelings @ Silent Barn

Leo

Sharing an eating disorder with a significant other will keep you two together with the adhesive strength of a hard duo-drug addiction.

Most Compatible: with Virgo
Lucky Show: Black Pus @ Death By Audio

Libra

Obviously you're going to get hit on in the supermarket at 9pm if you're buying rice cakes. You look so desperate!

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: John Zorn @ The Stone

Capricorn

If you give a feral kitty a cookie it might just break into your plastic bag.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Anamanaguchi @ The Stephens Institute of Technology

Aquarius

A lofted bed may free up some floorspace but when you experience the full reduction of fun from your sex life, what went up will come down.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Michael Jordan @ Eclectic House


ISSUE 52
Taurus

Actually, your opinions and detailed personal life become Less interesting once you've had 4 drinks.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: USAISAMONSTER @ Market Hotel

Cancer

It must be summer because the days are long and your ex-girlfriend is fucking some of your friends again.

Most Compatible: with Virgo
Lucky Show: Chamber music from Romania @ Paris London West Nile

Libra

You may be a vicious asshole but you're no sociopath; sociopaths are marred by a more conventional appearance.

Most Compatible: with Sagittarius
Lucky Show: Drown The Swim Team @ The Saint

Sagittarius

You'd like to throw a horror-themed dress-up party because it's a good excuse to make red, highly-alcoholic drinks. Definitely fill your event with costumed werewolves, rather than zombies or vampires; the undead make everything too bourgeois.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: Turbosleeze @ Westpac Space

Capricorn

Don't play chess with Death; Death wins against the computer all the time.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Defiance, Ohio @ Death By Audio

Pisces

The best way to wear a little extra weight is naked, hairy, and drenched in old sweat.

Most Compatible: with Taurus
Lucky Show: We Are The Seahorses @ Asbury Lanes


ISSUE 53
Aries

Donate the clothing you don't want to wear anymore. The only things you should sell are your soiled panties on Craigslist.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Brendan Fowler @ Knitting Factory

Taurus

The nice thing about living on the fifth floor of a walk-up is that you get your farts for the day over-with in privacy.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: So So Glos @ Market Hotel

Cancer

You or someone you're intimate with is too large for the average ribbed or scented condoms, which is as inconvenient as having too much weed on a Friday.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Anamanaguchi @ Death By Audio

Virgo

Disconnecting without ejecting doesn't harm your device That much.

Most Compatible: with Sagittarius
Lucky Show: Jessica Rylan @ Issue Project Room

Scorpio

It doesn't take ESP to feel that everybody hates you.

Most Compatible: with Taurus
Lucky Show: Quiet Hooves @ Market Hotel


ISSUE 54
Taurus

You can´t run away from your problems. You could if they had a knife but in most instances your problems have a gun and can fly.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: The Fly Girlz @ Shea Stadium

Cancer

All the weird, technically-legal plant extracts that you can score at head shops are just weak versions of a real street drug. Skip that shit and support your local dealer.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: the tribute to Pete Seeger @ Pier A Park

Leo

If you wear Hawaiian shirts, Wranglers and deck shoes, you´ll make all the girls want to go shoop.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: Le Rug @ Meatlocker

Virgo

If you don´t like a genre of music, try listening to what is considered a bad example of the sound, i.e. a reggae compilation that Rastafarians hate. You´ll probably like it.

Most Compatible: with Aquarius
Lucky Show: BARR @ New Museum

Sagittarius

No matter how thick your leggings are strangers are still going to envision your vagina.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Gay Beast @ Market Hotel


ISSUE 55
by Seripop

Aries

Remember not to run from the police; take the bus from the police.

Most Compatible: with Pisces
Lucky Show: 311 @ Rumsey Playfield




Virgo

Remember that nobody cares about your unemployment.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Blues Control @ Goodbye Blue Monday

Capricorn

Remember to delete your childhood Livejournal.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: No Bunny @ Death By Audio


ISSUE 56
Cancer

You really want to call your pot delivery boy but you only have $5. Don't do it. A nickle bag would only be a key bump of weed.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Cerebral Ballzy @ Lit Fuse Cyclery

Libra

Squatting over a sheet of paper and dripping period blood onto it in an ornamental fashion Does constitute as art.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Religious Girls @ Death By Audio

Scorpio

You want the $80 Ed Hardy bra with the rhinestone tiger head across the front but irony ends at $11.50.

Most Compatible: with Libra
Lucky Show: caUSE co-MOTION! @ 979 Broadway

Sagittarius

It's okay to judge a band by its name.

Most Compatible: with Scorpio
Lucky Show: Jay Reatard @ Stuy Town Oval


ISSUE 58
Aries

Next time try not to say, "You can thank HELL for little girls," in front of the American Girl Cafe.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: These Are Powers @ X-Initiative

Gemini

You live with your significant other and the motherfucker will Not leave the apartment. They don't have a job, eat all of your food, and then call their parents in LI/CT/NJ to tell them that they're doing 'em proud. Unless they're really doing you something salacious, definitely kick 'em to the suburb.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Harry Merry @ Silent Barn

Libra

You hooked up with your friend and you both consider it a mistake. Just pretend it never happened and your lives will go on as though it never did. Awkwardness is just a trick of the mind!!!

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Blues Control @ Cinders

Sagittarius

Chances are your mother Had told you not to talk to or fuck sunburned homeless beach bums.

Most Compatible: with Capricorn
Lucky Show: Gang Gang Dance @ Prospect Park

Capricorn

Someone you don't know that well has a disease and frequently updates about it on Facebook. Send him or her quotes about strength and healing in a message so that it doesn't show up on the news feed.

Most Compatible: with Cancer
Lucky Show: Laurie Anderson @ The Stone

Aquarius

Don't go back to your hometown. It'll always be there, festering with sad opportunities and broken people, and reminding you of where its high suicide rate is coming from.

Most Compatible: with Aries
Lucky Show: So So Glos Music Video Premiere @ Silent Barn


ISSUE 59
Leo

Sex on the beach sounds cool except for the ass-sand, but the real problem is appearing like a pair of disgusting monsters soiling the scene to the people having bonfires and playing acoustic ABBA covers.

Most Compatible: with Libra
Lucky Show: Das Racist @ The Bell House

Aquarius

If your friends see homeless people and are instantly reminded of you, it's probably not be because of your body odor; it's due more to your Eeyore sweatshirts and tendency to use plastic bags as shoes.

Most Compatible: with Gemini
Lucky Show: Ava Luna @ Silent Barn

Pisces

Don't heckle policemen when they show up to the party. They usually leave after not too long, plus they know you ain't gonna hurt nobody and that you're just dancin' y'all.

Most Compatible: with Leo
Lucky Show: Juiceboxxx @ 979 Broadway


ISSUE 60
Aries/Cancer/Scorpio/Pisces

You or someone close to you thinks samplings of new horoscopes from Showpaper will be available online, but it actually goes against everything Showpaper believes in. Close the computer, take life to the streets, and pick up the new issue at a happenin place near you.

Most Compatible: ??
Lucky Show: TBD

Bad Shirt Idea

I realized on Tuesday while I was drinking vodka-Dews that I vaguely want to make a RUN DMB shirt, but today I found out that the pun already exists. It can refer to Dave Matthews Band for idiots (like me) but to most people its a plea for DaMarcus Beasley, American soccer player in Scotland, to hurry it up.

Rock Dove

The real fear in dating musicians - past any notion of predatory groupies or their opportunities to sway toward really hard drugs - is that they'll begin to wish you were a musician, too. Because if they were dating a musician they could watch her play her instrument, her cello, her violin, naked and how great would that be.